


Breaking Apart and Getting Together

by lilolilyrae



Category: Hawkeye (Comics), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Jasper Sitwell - Freeform, Lucky the pizza dog - Freeform, M/M, Melinda May - Freeform, Mutual Pining, Nick Fury - Freeform, Not Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. Compliant, Not Avengers: Age of Ultron (Movie) Compliant, Not Canon Compliant, maria hill - Freeform, steve rogers - Freeform, tony stark - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-07
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-05-03 12:04:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14568642
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lilolilyrae/pseuds/lilolilyrae
Summary: Clint's way of dealing with being transferred to the Avengers(what if Coulson never got stabbed but kept working in his position as Strike Team handler)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> No idea from which canon's I'm getting information or what is complete crack. I'm way too deep into fandom.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: mentions self harm  
> Go to the end notes for spoilery explanations

Lately, Clint finds himself on the range a lot.

He's shooting until his fingers hurt or even bleed, then gets snappy at his new teammates when they want to offer help.

He knows it's no good, that he's basically turning into his brother Barney, brutal and antisocial, but he can't help it... Letting anyone get close just hurts too much.

At least he isn't turning into his father, not yet. Although he sometimes thinks it would be all too easy to fall down that rabbit hole as well, to give up all control. And control over his life is what he clings to, so he stears clear of all alcohol, doesn't even touch a beer at all.

Instead, he shoots his bow again until his hands are bleeding and his head is fuzzy with sleep deprivation, dehydration and exhaustion. 

 

 

   
His life has been falling apart ever since he got transferred. He wasn’t looking for it, didn’t want it, but Furt insisted and suddenly he is part of a team of superheroes.

While he appreciates that no longer being under SHIELD contract means less missions and less paperwork, it just doesn't feel _right_. 

He watches the strike teams Coulson's heading out with on his laptop screen, JARVIS having hacked SHIELD security for him.

Clint wonders if Coulson knows. Whether he even cares.

Ward seems to be his new favoured sniper, growing into the role easily despite using a rifle instead of a bow.

And Coulson is still doing his thing, playing the stoic robot agent as always. 

   
And that’s what stings the most, he thinks. Coulson hasn't changed, doesn't seem to have a problem with Clint being gone.

Not one word of protest, just a quick "Congratulations, Barton" I'm Fury's office and then he had walked out. Catching up with Coulson in the hallway, his mind still reeling, Clint had asked if Coulsn had known.

"I suggested you for the initiative. They need someone with your skills, but I wasn't sure the Director would see it the same way"

So he didn't need Clint's skills. Had wanted to get rid of him, left him like everyone always did.

Clint kept quiet after that. And they had not spoken about it ever since. Well, they hadn't spoken at all. Eight years working together, for once thinking that someone would be different, and now this.

 

So Clint settles in at Stark tower, half-heartedly gets to know his new team, and in the evenings goes to the brand-new shooting range Tony installed on one of the upper floors and gets lost in it. Draw, aim, release. Draw, aim, release. 

At first he tries to tell himself the extra range time is a gift, from himself, to himself, for getting what's basically a promotion. Later he just wallows in misery. And now he doesn’t think about anything anymore, just fires the arrows and only moves to fill his quiver whenever it is empty, getting more and more lost.

He's lonely, even if he doesn't want to admit it.

Natasha doesn’t have any time to spare for social calls, no lazy afternoons together being silly, she seems to try to spend all her social energy at once whenever the entire team's around. And Clint doesn't show up those nights.

Maria works as hard as ever, and now that he isn't based at HQ anymore he doesn't see her for weeks. Melinda never shows up, either, and it’s only now that Clint realizes how much of the time they spent together was only ever around Phil. Not Phil, Coulson. He can't keep calling him Phil in his mind, not when the other man so clearly cut him out of his life.

 

  
Clint shows up whenever the Avengers assemble, files his reports and his mission work is extraordinary. Steve is pleased and praises him, but it means nothing to Clint.

The only time he gets the sparkle back in his eyes is when the team is assigned as back up to a Strike Team op Coulson leads, and out in the field, Phil's voice in his ear, Clint feels like himself again. But it’s brief and momentary and only once, and Clint sinks back into his daze immediately after.

 

He spends his days in the vents, or walking aimlessly through the streets.

When he gets home, he goes up to the range before he even considers what he is going to have for dinner, and his fingers are bleeding again by the time he takes his first bite to eat.

By the time he stumbles into his rooms, his mind is completely fogged with exhaustion, hunger and adrenaline. Sometimes he manages to eat pop-tarts or something, usually he just makes himself at least drink a glass of water before passing out on the couch. 

Sometimes, he wakes up at four or five in the morning, and climbs into the vents before going back to sleep, waking up with his mind and body still buzzed, feeling the effects of the adrenaline still running through his body, while everything feels cramped from his awkward sleeping position. 

He's glad he doesn't have to go anywhere, that the tower- Avenger's tower now, because apparently they're just that great of a team- provides everything. 

It's the main reason he even moved there, that and the private shooting range. He doesn't want to run into anyone at SHIELD.

Picking up coffee in the kitchen downstairs, he disappears into the vents before anyone can see him or his wounds.

 

* * *

 

 

When Fury tells Clint and Phil about Clint's promotion to the Avengers, without telling Phil in advance, he is mad. Glaring at Marcus, he manages to congratulate Clint anyway, because he deserves that much and his and Marcus' dispute is not Clint's fault, he leaves office, planning to tell Clint more about what exactly is going on.

But Clint is reserved and doesn't stick around to talk.

Phil worries. 

While he knows that Clint is ready, has been ready to move on from his position as a specialist for years now, he also knows that Clint, with his history, needs to be eased into changes like this. 

 

But Clint seems to take it alright, and as the Avengers are a funny formed initiative and go on their own missions, he's barely even to be seen at HQ anymore.

While Phil had expected Clint to be busy in those first weeks, it still stings that he doesn't get to see the other man at all. That he doesn't bother to visit. It's only through Jasper that he hears about Clint moving into Stark Tower permanently. 

Phil has never wanted to let Clint go. He trusts him like he trusts no-one else, not even Fury. He wants him on his team, in his life, and he aches in Clint’s absence. He misses the smartass comments over the coms, and Barton's instincts on a mission.

He likes quite some of the new recruits and trusts them enough to know they will get the job done, but they're not the Agent he chose and trained and nurtured for years. Clint’s flair and intuition, the way he and Clint can commuincate without speaking, Clint’s presence, it all makes him invaluable to Phil. 

So he misses the other man like crazy, but he won't stop him from moving on.

Phil just wants Clint to take every opportunity, because Clint deserves it, and now Clint seems to finally understand that he's better than everyone at SHIELD, including Phil.

  
It doesn't stop him from trying to keep an eye on the archer, however. Which turns out to be harder than expected, with how Clint doesn't show his face around SHIELD anymore, especially after Stark declared the Avengers to be a independent organisation.

Clint doesn't return to bed-stuy a lot, either, positioning someone there to take care of his tenants insted of spending his free time there himself. Understandable really, after all it's not like he doesn't have the money now.

So Phil watches and listens and waits.

In the few moments he does catch sight of him, Clint is quiet and professional, and sometimes he seems dazed. Phil figures at first that Clint is just trying to adjust to his new position, yes perhaps taking the change harder than Phil initially thought, and trying to be professional around his teammates.

Then Phil notices the distance that has grown between Clint and everyone at HQ. He hadn't thought too much when Clint stopped visiting him, after all he always knew that Clint is too good for him. Now he thinks he might have been blinded by his own insecurities.

It's a comment by Melinda that first throws him. When Maria is talking about who to invite to her birthday barhop, Melinda snorts "Better not plan on Barton showing up, dude's just thinking he's too good for us with his rich bitch superhero friends."

Immediately feeling like he has to defend the other man, Phil butts in "I'm sure he'd come to your party, he's just not on base for work anymore, it's natural we don't see a lot of him-"

"A lot?" Melinda interrupts "I don't want Barton to be glued to my hip like he used to be with you, but he hasn't showed his face around at all!"

"Well, have you gone looking for him?" And while saying this Phil already notices his own mistake. He hasn't ever gone to visit Clint either. Clint might be missing them just as much as he misses him, but be to insecure to ask...

He decides that he will make sure to visit him as soon as possible, after all if Clint really thinks how Mel implied, the worst thing that could happen is Clint telling him to piss off. Which would still hurt, but, well.

 

A mission gets in the way, and it soon turns out to be everything but a cakewalk. 

After he requests backup, he gets a message that the Avengers are on their way. Briefly, he worries about working with Clint after being so distanced, but he knows that the other man can be professional.

And yes, in the field, it's so easy to fall back into old patterns,and he half expects Clint to come hang around in his office after, as he used to. He never shows up. So Phil goes looking himself.

    
After talking JARVIS into giving him access to Clint's floor, Philis surprised to find him passed out on his couch, not moving even as Phil steps into the room.

It's still relatively early, and Clint and his team haven't had to assemble for the past few weeks, and today he was really only eyes up high for a few hours, so it shouldn't be exhaustion...

And Clint doesn't drink, never did, Phil would've been surprised to say the least if Clint changed that thoroughly.

He can't be seriously ill or injured though, either, as JARVIS would've noticed and allerted Stark as well as telling Phil on his way in. And anything less than pneumonia doesn't usually knock Clint out, he doesn't even take medication unless forced to. 

So why does the other man appear to be knocked out cold?

 

Stepping closer, Phil sees the bandages around Clint's hands and wrists, as well as the dark bags under Clint's eyes.

Clint's bow Betsy is still leaning against the couch in one piece and that doesn't mean anything good either way: Either Clint had just returned from the range and immediately passed out, or he's in such a bad state he doesn't even bother to take care of his favourite bow.

Taking in the sight in front of him, Phil feels shaken. How did he miss this? He should have known. Should have been there for Clint.

    
Gently touching the other man's arms so as not to startle him, Phil rouses Clint enough to get him to his feet. He's glad that the other man still seems to accept his presence, trust him enough to not snap out of whatever weak state he's currently in.

Clint is still completely out of it, muttering to himself as he lets Phil help him to the bedroom. His rambling is revealing, and Phil carefully listens to every word while he puts Clint to bed.

"Didn't even care about me anymore. Not a word. Eight years and just lets me get kicked off his team, leaves me like everybody else. Won't have me now, not anymore. Not good enough I guess, never like the others. Too long and never told him. No more Phil for me. Gonna die all alone"  
   
Phil gets a little misty-eyed at that. Oh, Clint.

 

He puts Clint to bed and sets his phone on silent. Dragging over a chair, Phil settles in for the night, watching Clint sleep.  
   
He thinks about what Clint had said in his blurry state, and smiles when he realizes Clint missed their friendship, too.

Then he thinks that maybe there is something more to it, and hopes he is right when he thinks that Clint wants him to be more than a friend, too.

If that’s true, he’s sorry that he’s only figuring this out now, but better late than never.

Looking at the bandages on Clint's hands, he sees the angry red lines that form whenever the archer shoots without his hand guard for too long in his mind, and decides this has to change.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Trigger Warning: self harm  
> No cutting, but Clint injures himself more-or-less on purpose shooting his bow


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This might get a bit longer than expected.....

When Clint wakes up the following morning, he has no idea how he got into his bed. It's weird, he hasn't actually made it into his own bed for weeks, but now that he's in it he doesn't want to leave...

And not remembering is almost fun, has him trying to connect the dots and recall what he did last night. What startles him though is the sight of Phil- Coulson- sitting there, eyes open and alert, and focused on him completely. 

   
"We need to stop this, Barton."  
   
His voice isn't up to speaking yet, and he doesn't try.

Just lying there, he soaks up the presence of his boss which he hasn't experienced for so long, and lets himself be happy and satisfied, knowing Coulson- no, Phil, because he's in Clint's bedroom for fucks sake, he can't not call him Phil- is watching him.

It’s something he hasn't felt for a long time, and he revels in it. But then he worries about what Phil saw and why he’s here at all, and hopes he didn’t do anything stupid in front of the man. Clearing his throat, he attempts to speak, managing after a few squeaky tries.  
   
“Stop what, Sir?”  
   
“You’re working too hard.”  
   
It’s not an accusation, it’s a statement of fact. And Clint knows that Phil is right, as always.

He’s surprised by what follows though.  
   
“So am I.”  
   
Clint hasn’t been close enough to Phil lately to notice any increase in workload or exhaustion, but if Phil says it, it’s probably true. And now that he looks closer, he can see the dark rings under his eyes.

Clint wonders why Phil would be working more than usual.

There had been a time, of course, where Phil had been pretty close to the robot agent many at SHIELD take him for, working day and night, getting four hours of sleep in his on base quarters, letting his plants in his flat wither and die and having no actual social life to speak of.

But Clint thought Phil was long gone from that kind of self-destructive behaviour.   
   
Not knowing what else to say, he asks “Why are you here, Sir?”  
   
“I was worried.”  
   
Clint lets that sink in, and is sure he doesn’t really want to know what Phul saw that made him worry, so he doesn’t ask.

Phil tells him to go shower and dress, and then takes him downstairs for breakfast. They don’t speak much, or even at all, until, one after the other, the team drops by.

 

Clint notices that he has never been there in those early morning hours before, because he definitely would have noticed the way Bruce zooms in on the coffee machine, Tony acts like a Zombie, and Steve's adorble bedhead.

He also, apparently, missed out on getting a kiss on the cheek by Natasha, and the old familarity of that alone is nearly worth the socialising.

 

Phil gets flustered by sight of Cap, but Steve is too tired to notice so it's okay. And Clint doesn't even feel jealous, not with how Phil stays by his side thr entire time.

And Phil only leaves his place standing next to Clint when he notices how surprised Clint is at Nat's slight PDA.

If even those two haven't been communicating as they used to lately, it's really been bad.

Clint of course notices how Phil goes to talk to Nat, it's quite obvious with her being the only one in the kitchen...

But when Nat comes back out and goes to hug Clint, calling him a silly little birdie, he just feels grateful for Phil intervening. 

He knows Nat has her own problems with socialising, it's not her fault that they haven't seen much of each other lately... Their ways of coping just didn't fit together for once.

  
While the rest of the team goes to whatever hideyholes they have, the three of them sit down together and eat, and it's so calm, so familiar and domestic, Clint could cry.  
 

After, Nat excuses herself, Clint has the feeling she just wants the two of them to talk.

   
Once it's just the two of them, Phil gently takes Clints wrist in hand and checks the bandages. Clint lets him.

Then, in unspoken agreement, they leave the tower. Clint notices that, except for when they assembled, he hasn't left the tower together with someone else in ages.

They go to Bed-Stuy, to Clint's apartment house, Clint checking on his tenants and being warmly greeted by everyone. It's weird, that they didn't forget him yet. But a good weird. Judging from some f the comments about him being busy lately, he suspects they even know that he is Hawkeye, but no-one asks for autographs or seems to have told the press, so he lets his slide.

His own flat is the last they enter. Before turning his key, he checks his booby-traps, and- one's definitely missing, but there seems to be something else- yep, he nearly electrocuted himself there.

Motioning to Phil that they're not alone, he enters the flat.

 

The first thing he notices is that the TV is running.

The second he definitely can't miss: a giant one-eyed dog jumping up from his place by the couch and nearly running him over. He knows that dog, having rescued Lucky from the Tracksuit Mafia a few years back and it living in the building, being fed by most tenants, ever since.

The figure lying on the couch starts moving and a girls blinks at them bleary-eyed.

"Katie-Kate?? You living here now, or what?" Clint asks perplex, and Phil puts his gun away again.

"Uh, hey Hawkeye, hello to you too" Kate rubbs at her eyes before motioning for Lucky to let go of Clint.

"And pizza dog listens to you?! What's going on in my life" Clint shakes his head and goes into the kitchen, he needs more caffeine for this. Thankfully, the coffee maker is still in its usual spot and it seems like Kate even bought new fancy coffee beans.

"Well, you haven't showed your face round here for ages, no wonder you're missing things" Kate calls after him. And shit, there's definitely hurt in that voice.

"Aww, Katie I'm sorry, there just has been so much going on..." He knows it's a weak excuse and he knows that she knows it.

"You could've at least said goodbye, if you planned on just moving out! I had to find out by the new guy that you're not here anymore, you know that? And don't call me Katie"

"Alright, Hawkeye, I'm sorry" He goes to hug her, and it feels good to initiate physical contact with someone again. Burying his nose in her hair, he hopes she knows just how sorry he is. Katie's like a little sister for him, and he really shouldn't have let his issues become so bad that he neclegted her as well.

"But really, you living in my flat now? As in, all alone?"

Phil, having let them have their moment, hands him the cup of coffee that's ready and dissappears into the kitchen again. Clint hasn't even noticed that the man moved away from the door. Damn, that competence...

"Who's the suit guy?" Kate asks, pointing at Phil's back.

"He's SHIELD, we used to work together, you can thank him for dragging me out of the tower today, and don't deflect we were talking about your living sitution young lady"

"Thanks secret agent man!" Kate calls in the direction of the kitchen before flapping back down on the couch. Phil's laughter is music in Clint's ears.

He sits down next to Kate, legs up on the coffee table, and Lucky comes over to cuddle under his legs.

Absentmindedly, Clint tangles his hands in the dog's fur.

Kate's squirming next to him, probably waiting to get grilled about basically running away from home again.

But honestly? He doesn't mind so much. She's 19, and mature for her age, and while it's shitty that she had to grow up so fast, he can't deny that she knows how to take care of herself. Probably better than he himself does. 

"I really am sorry, Kate" he says, glancing over at her.

She must have noticed something in his voice, as she scoots over to pull him into a hug again.

"I know you've got issues, Hawkeye, but don't we all?"

"Do guess so, Hawkeye" he chuckles and holds her close, vowing to himself that he'll ask her more about why exactly she chose to move in here the next time they're alone.

 

Lucky uses their distraction to get to the coffee, and they quickly pull apart as he pushes the mug to the ground, landing with a clonk and spilling coffee everywhere. 

"Aw coffee no!" Clint groans, jumping up and hurrying to the kitchen to get a paper towel or something, carefully stepping over the wet spot. Phil already fished one out of the cupboard, and Clint goes back, muttering "Thanks Phil- Lucky, you know you don't like the stuff! Bad dog, ugh"

Only way later does he notice that it's the first time in ages he called Phil by his first name again out loud.

Phil does notice, of course, and can't help a small smile spreading on his lips.

They have to wipe down the floor, and then Lucky, too, because of course the dog lay down in the one spot where there was coffee left...

But with Phil and Kate around, Clint thinks it's a much better problem to have than the loneliness of the weeks before.

They'll be alright. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If the characters are gonna listen to me, there will actually getting together in the next part!
> 
>  
> 
> [tum](https://www.lilolilyr.tumblr.com)[blr](https://www.lilolilyrae.tumblr.com) [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/lilolilyrae/)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yea I'm aware this was supposed to be 2 chapters at some point

 

That evening, they go home to Coulson's place, and they finally talk.

 

Clint tells him about how lost he feels, and admits to how he shoots his bow too long too fast on purpose until it bleeds. Phil listens to him, not judging, and gently redoes the bandages for him. While he does, Clint tells him about how lonely he feels at the tower, despite having all those people around him.

Then Phil tells him how angry he was with Fury for not telling him in advance that Clint would be on the initiative, that he wanted to tell him about it beforehand but didn't want Clint to get his hopes up in case the Director decided otherwise... And that he missed Clint on his missions, but knew that Clint was meant to be doing greater work than that. That he threw himself into his work thinking that Clint didn't want to see him any more at all.

"How could I not want to see you? I thought _you_ wanted to get rid of _me_!"

"Never, Clint. Never."

While hurting for the other man at that last admission, Clint kind of feels better about himself knowing that Phil missed him, and lets it slip that he missed the other man, too. They sit in silence for a while after that.

Then Phil tells Clint that if he wants to, he can stay at Phil's for a while. Clint knows they both need the company right now, and gladly accepts.

 

  
   
Days turn into weeks, and they keep each other sane.

Clint still goes to the range some evenings, but mostly it's the one at SHIELD, where the possibility of other agents seeing his self-destructive tendencies restrains him. And if he does sometimes go into a bad place of mind and stays a little too long, Phil is there to help him out of it, taking the bow from his shaking hands. And knowing that Clint needs him to be okay, Phil makes sure he doesn't stay in the office for too long, makes sure to actually catch a few hours of sleep each night.

They're still dancing around the issue of how much exactly they like each other and in what way, but just being together a lot and emotionally healing together is enough for now.

 

Sometimes they stay at Phil's, sometimes in bed-stuy where Kate is still sleeping on the couch most days, sometimes Clint goes to the tower when Phil has to stay on base or is out on a mission. 

They both still hate not being on the same team, hate not being able to watch out for each other, but spending the evenings together makes it a little easier.

But when Coulson gets clipped on the arm during a shoot-out, things change.

Clint's exhausted. The night before, he stayed up late waiting for the news on just how badly Phil had been hurt, and then got up in the middle of the night to take Phil home from HQ, knowing that the other man hates it there nearly as much as himself, despite never complaining or breaking out the way Clint does, and that the docs wouldn't have let him go and drive home alone.

Now, Clint lies in his bed in Phil's guest room, staring up at the ceiling, and he’s angry with Ward and Morse for not taking better care of Phil, and something just snaps. He knows he's too tired and not thinking straight, but he can't help it, he gets up and walks into Phil’s bedroom, slides under the covers and draws Phil to him, holding him in his arms to reassure himself that Phil is fine and alive and still there. Phil sighs and melts against Clint.  
   
“I can’t do this anymore.”

Clint's words are soft and gentle, and filled with longing and regret.

He still doesn't know exactly how Phil will react, despite thinking that he has a chance with the other man with how close they've gotten again in those past weeks.

But Phil understands exactly how he feels, and turns in Clint's arms so they are face to face.

Looking at Clint for permission, he slowly leans in, and Clint closes the gap between them so their lips meet.

It's a chaste kiss, they're not even moving, but Clint still closes his eyes, savoring the feeling of Phil against him. 

Satisfied that they are both on the same page here, they wrap around each other and finally go to sleep.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do y'all want me to make this M-rated or better not?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is still not the last chapter... Oups xD

The next morning, Clint wakes up back to back with Phil, subconsciously having taken the position that leaves both of them on guard of potential threats. Yeah, sometimes the job does sure get to your head.

But he doesn't mind, and with the warmth of Phil's skin seeping through his shirt, he feels safe in a way he hasn't in ages. 

Slowly, Clint turns around, trying not to disturb Phil in his sleep, and cuddles closer. He knows he'll have to get up at some point, there's an Avengers team meeting he shouldn't miss and he also kind of re established the tradition to go sparring with Natasha at least twice a week... But he's still got time, and right now, in bed with Phil, the world seems way too hushed and comfortable to move.

His internal clock will probably wake him up in like an hour anyway, it's alright to go back to sleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When Phil wakes up, he immediately feels that something is different than usually, that someone is in his bed, spooning him. 

But he isn't afraid, because he immediately recognises Clint's calloused hands on his chest, the distinctive smell of the other man in the air, and memories of the last evening rush through him.

Clint kissed him. 

Phil can barely believe it yet.

While he's always known that he was attracted to and later also definitely in love with the man, he'd have never thought that Clint reciprocated the sentiment. 

They've grown close to each other over the years, and while Clint, after growing out of his initial discomfort in the Agency, has been flirty with Phil like he had been with everyone, there had never been anything but friendship between the two of them.

Which alone shouldn't be seen as being somehow less, Clint had always been the person Phil trusted most in his life, no matter how their relationship looked like. It was more that a romantic relationship felt more _right_ for him, his feelings for Clint always on the back of his mind.

But he had also believed that Clint deserved more than him.

Knowing that the other man was also attracted to women, Phil couldn't help but wonder whether Clint would have a better life with someone else, someone he could maybe start a family with some day... And why would the archer want to be with a middle aged normal SHIELD agent, anyway?

Now, Phil can believe his rational side, which is telling him that they're good for each other. They keep each other sane, they know how to deal with each other's problems, how to help and when to step away. They're better whenever they're together. 

 

Snuggling closer to Clint, Phil squints at the display of the alarm clock on the bedside table.

It's nearly 6am, and while he really doesn't want to leave Clint's embrace, he knows he had to go to work at some point, it's already later than he usually makes it to HQ. And he doesn't want Clint to wake up from the alarm at 6, the other man deserves to relax for a few more hours, and as far as Phil knows he doesn't have any obligations until noon.

Thinking about it, he realises how strange it is that he even slept that long. He's been plagued by insomnia for a long time, even on good days waking long before his alarm, and lately it had been getting worse again. Seems like they really are better together, trusting each other enough to truly let go and find sleep.

 

Slowly, Phil untangles his limbs from Clint's and sits up, silencing the alarm before getting out of bed. Clint moves after him in his sleep, hugging Phil's pillow to his chest in place of the other man. Phil sighs, it won't be long until the other wakes as well.

After using the bathroom, he walks into the kitchen and decides to make breakfast for them both. It's not really something they've been doing so far, usually when they stay over at the same place at least one of them leaves in the early hours of the morning without the other noticing, but now Phil figures it doesn't hurt to change another part of their routine.

And should Clint sleep uncharacteristically longer than Phil can wake before going to work, he'll at least find a nice breakfast to tell him that he didn't do anything wrong the previous evening. Because Phil knows Clint well enough by now to know that no matter how good Clint knows someone, no matter how long he stayed in a place, his insecurities still tend to flare up, and Phil really doesn't want a repetition of the misunderstanding after Clint's transfer to the Avengers. 

He takes a look into the bedroom, Clint is still peacefully asleep. Smiling, Phil goes to start on pancake dough, waiting for his love to wake.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, M-rating this or nah? :D
> 
> Btw sO SORRY for the tiny chapter updates, I'm with family this long weekend and don't have much time to write...
> 
> Comments and Kudos make my day!
> 
>  


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another short chapter, I guess this really could've been one part together with the last one... Sorry, this semesters exam phase just started, so I guess it won't get better so soon :[

As Clint wakes up for the second time, he's alone in bed.

It's definitely not his bed.

But Phil's smell is everywhere, so he instantly relaxes. Until he remembers what happened the evening before.....

Fuck, he kissed Phil, no wonder the other man left him here alone now...

In that moment the door opens, and Phil is looking into room.

Clint can't help grinning at him despite having to blink against the sudden brightness. 

"Hey Clint, did I wake you? I'm just about to leave, buy you're welcome to stay until you have to go if you want to, I'm actually glad you slept this long" 

Phil smiles at him, leaning in the doorway.

Wiping the sleep from his eyes, Clint suddenly notices that a sweeter smell is mixing into Phil's. 

Ignoring Phil's questions, he asks: "You made pancakes?"

"Yeah, I thought maybe we could eat breakfast together, I'm sorry that I have to head out now so maybe another time?"

"You made pancakes so we could eat breakfast together? And you still let me sleep in? Aww, Phil, that's so sweet!"

Phil actually blushes at that, and Clint hops out of bed to pull him into his arms and into a chaste kiss, all initial self-consciousness forgotten. 

"When are you gonna be able to get out of work today?"

"No idea, honestly, I still have to go to med checkup inbetween so I'll probably have to shift some meetings..." 

Clint nodds "I get it babe... Text me when you're done? Or better, can I stay over again? I already have your spare key..."

Phil tilts his head. "Babe?" 

Clint shrugs. "You didn't seem to oppose the kissing, so I take it you're on board with this thing?" He tries not to show his insecurities, but he can't quite help the way his eyes flicker from the wall to Phil's face and back, not wanting the man to see his emotions but on the other hand wanting to catalogue Phil's.

Phil moves in even closer, caressing Clint's face in his hands.

"I am definitely on board with this, and if we want to name what _this_ is I would like to be in a relationship with you, Clint. I love you- I don't need you to say it back, I know you enough to know you feel something for me, too. I just need to say this- you're it for me, Clint" he leans in to press another soft kiss to Clint's shock still face. "I guess the pet name just took me by surprise, been a while since anyone called me anything like that..."

Clint blinks at him owlishly. Then he wraps him into a bone-crushing hug, hiding his face in Phil's neck and mumbling "Love you, too, Sir".

Phil smiles, holding him close and pressing a kiss to his hair.

"Glad we're on the same page, love. As for you staying over again, I thought maybe we could go to your place tonight?"

"The tower?" Clint makes a face. "I don't really want this to get overanalyzed by Tony right now. Don't get me wrong, babe, I'm not gonna hide you, but just- not yet, okay?"

Phil keeps smiling, stroking Clint's back reassuringly. 

"I didn't actually think of the tower at all, I still think of bedstuy when I think about your home... But of course we can go here instead if that's what you like better"

"Nah, bedstuys fine, but I think we might have to buy a bigger bed, and I think Kate's still camping out on the couch..."

Phil laughs. "Why don't you let her move into the spare room? Then Lucky can get his couch back"

Clint giggles "Because you don't need the spare room anymore now, babe? And damn, I swear that dog likes you two better than me, I bet you bribed it or something!"

"Lucky just likes us because he knows we're your friends" Phil shakes his head. "That dog adores you, and you know it"

"Well, _I_ do bribe him with Pizza" Clint grins, moving past Phil into the hallway to the kitchen, trying to ignore the emotions welling up inside him, because Phil really needs to stop motherhenning him and get his ass to work.

"And talking bout food bribes, I think I'll help myself to some pancakes, and you should probably get going if you don't want to be late" he calls over his shoulder. 

Phil chuckles, slowly walking after him.

"Alright, love" he grabs his jacket and the bag with tablet and documents before going to the kitchen to catch Clint in a honey-sweet kiss- literally, as Clint's lips are sweet from pancake syrup.

"Love you, babe"

"Love you too, Clint. Text me if there's anything you need"

 

Phil's out of the flat, and Clint standing there completely dumbfounded staring after him with a big smile on his face, fork with a piece of pancake forgotten in his hand.

He's in a relationship with Phil, and he's the luckiest man on earth. 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UPDATE given that no-one seems to be reading this anymore anyways and I'm currently writing different things I decided to just end this here! If someone does want me to continue do let me know :)


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TERRIBLY SORRY IT TOOK ME SO LONG TO UPDATE!!! And thank you so much @ everyone who commented on the last chapter <3 y'all really made my day!
> 
>  
> 
> Btw I NEED A BETA READER if you're interested tell me!!!

 

The next day passes in a blur and Clint has a smile on his face that simply won’t be suppressed, and Phil quirks the corner of his mouth upwards every time he thinks of Clint, which happens a lot.

Clint is busy on the SHIELD range, there's no mission so he's just practicing- but really he's waiting for Phil do come pick him up. 

Phil, for once, can't wait to finish his paperwork. 

 

In an unspoken agreement, they leave headquarters without showing any public display of affection.

Heading straight to his apartment, Clint feels vaguely guilty for ignoring his team again.

As Clint closes the door behind them, Phil turns back around to him. They immediately meet in kiss, and all thoughts about the other Avengers are forgotten, because this is SO much more important.

 

 

They fall into a routine, once again switching between staying at Phil's apartment and in bedstuy, but this time they're almost always sharing a room.

 _Almost_ only because Phil still sometimes needs to work inumanly long hours when he's planning or supervising a mission from on base, and because Clint sometimes can't sleep at all, and they both don't want to disturb each other.

After a while, and some more talking about _feelings_ and such, Clint sometimes does stay in bed with Phil when he can't sleep but doesn't feel like working out, and Phil sneaks into bed with Clint in the middle of the night whenever he's not so tired that he just crashes at HQ. It mostly wakes Clint, but he wouldn't have it any other way.

 

They're still not working together, of course, Clint an Avenger and Phil and Agent of SHIELD.

And when they're called out on missions without each other, especially the longer missions out of the country with no connection back to base to check whether the other's okay, they're worried sick about the one in the field while the other one isn't quite concentrating at a hundred percent... 

 

_"Aw, arrow, no!" Clint groans when he took an exploding instead of a poisoned arrow in the heat of the battle. His team members don't see how it's a big deal, yeah it might have drawn a bit unnecessary attention and usually that's Thor or the Hulk's or Cap's thing, but it did its job?_

_"You don't get it" Clint snarls. "If I can't be in control of what I'm doing at one hundred percent, who says I won't make an actual mistake?"_

 

 _And Phil, stoic secret agent man, gets a tiny paper thin cut on his cheek as he dodges a knife a millisecond too late thinking how his attacker's eyes are the exact sam_ _e colour as the ones of the one person he wishes he fought with side by side._

_It haunts him for weeks._

 

So, some people might say that it's necessary to keep work and private life apart. 

But that's not how it is for them, never has been, never well be.

They're a _team_.

And one day, they decide that it's really the only way this can work.

 

  
   
Fury, of course, is _pissed_ when they issue their demands.

But he really doesn’t want to lose either one of them- he can’t take Clint away from the Avengers, and he really doesn't want to lose Coulson's loyalty to SHIELD completely by letting him go, and he's certain Stark would be just too happy to snatch him away.

So he makes the man a liaison between the Avengers and SHIELD.

But really, Clint figures, Phil is his handler again for all that it's worth.

He's the voice in his ear or the fighter by his side whenever there's a mission, and he has an office in the tower as well as HQ... It really, really couldn't be any better.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This entire fic was a pleasure to write, no matter how long it took me!
> 
> Thanks to everyone who stayed until the end and left kudos and feedback, you guys are the best!!!  
> (given that it is the end... I coooould still write more with Kate, or sth about the team finding out that they're together? Or make an M-rated chapter? XD)  
>  
> 
> Find me on tumblr: my fangirly blog @lilolilyr and my personal blog @lilolilyrae :)


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